Jack and Jill Report: Meatball Blow Job Anyone? (Don't worry this doesn't get R rated...)

All Brandon and I can say is thank you, thank you, and thank you! On July 16th our fabulous collective of friends and family threw us a Jack and Jill extravaganza and needless to say it was one “hot” affair!

Ronda, Anna, Rick, and Tim... hopefully winning some big money! 

Thanks Bill for dealing cards!

With friends and family coming from places as remote as Barrie, Ontario (so far away!), as dangerous as Jane and Finch (hehehehe), and as deep south as Birmingham, Alabama, Brandon and I spent the night surrounded by a wonderful group of people who apparently care about us – who knew we were so lucky?!

We love you all!

The event kicked off at 8 p.m., with casino games, raffles, 50/50s, and most importantly drinks! Upon entry Immediately Brandon and I were handcuffed together by my lovely (cough) sister and we had to buy our way out of the cuffs… to do so we had to do any number of silly/embarrassing/sentimental/horrifying/death defying activities to buy our way out… some of the highlighted activities included: Brandon having to take his shirt off, the “truffle shuffle” (apparently you have to watch the Goonies to know what this is referring to), singing off key to Sonny and Cher, and the grand finale… (are you ready for this?) I had to give Brandon a “meatball blow job”. If children are reading this (or adults that are sensitive to horrifying acts performed with food) I would recommend skipping this section!

So you are probably wondering, what on earth is a “meatball blow job”? Don’t worry I was in the same boat, but as we were offered $40 to perform this “activity” it seemed worth our while to pursue the concept. Therefore, I shall now explain such a “novelty” so that others may (or may not) incorporate this into their lives.

Instruction Manual – Meatball Blow Job:

1. Have partner lie on back [Brandon was the partner in our case].

2. Have partner roll up shirt to expose belly button [are you gagging? giggling? or just grossed out?].

3. Kneel beside partner [I was the kneeler in our case].

4. Have third person place a hot, gooey, slimy, sauce covered meatball directly on partner’s belly button [have you thrown up yet?].

5. Lean over and eat said meatball out of partner’s belly button [OMG!].

6. Sit back chewing (it may burn a little) and wonder if you will ever be the same again [I wasn’t, nor will be…].

Once I had recovered from such a “wondrous” experience it was time for other antics … as the room was about the same temperature as the sun (or perhaps 1-2 degrees hotter) a table fan was auctioned off to our “steamy” crowd… frankly I would have paid any amount of money for it at that point, but it seemed a little selfish. The Shaw Clan (Paul, Leslie, Murray, and Meri-Lynn) won the fan and were able to cool down their surroundings slightly. I on the other hand was ready to fling myself into a vat of ice cream to cool down… mind you I would normally be willing to do that!

Mike and Amandeep - Amandeep you look happy!

Another highlighted event was the “pie-ing” of Brandon, Lanny, and I… pies were auctioned off for each of us (to the highest bidder) and then thrown in our faces – to add insult to injury ;-)… Lanny was pied by my cousin Julien who demonstrated she has an arm fit for Major League Baseball (the splatter was humongous!), I was pied by Lanny (perhaps he was bitter about his own pie-ing experience?), and lastly Brandon was pied by the one, the only, Faye. After having spent a large amount of Brandon’s teenage and twenties semi-living with him and his brother, Faye had a lot of pent up “excitement” that needed to be executed onto Brandon’s face… and so she did and may I say, she did it well.

Two other great fundraisers for the evening were the selling of “real-estate” space on a pair of boxers for Brandon to wear under his kilt (HE WILL BE WEARING SOMETHING – YEAH!)… different regions of the pair were sold for different prices and let me tell you there are some rather exciting and concerning comments provided… I think rulers and directional arrows were involved...

Elizabeth displaying Brandon's wedding under kilt wear...

Another intriguing fundraiser was a simple that led to hilarious results… a jar filled with Hershey’s Kisses was raffled off and my Aunt Donna was the lucky winner… for which Brandon provided her with a rather energetic dance (it was mildly creepy for me, but entertaining as all get out for everyone else). I think Aunt Donna will never be the same again!

As the fun-filled night drew to a close, prizes were raffled off and the final prize (a massive Texas Mickey of scotch) was won by the piper for our wedding – Denise (could there have been anyone more fitting?).

I was going to write out the list of people that need to be thanked, but out of sheer fear of forgetting someone I will just say:

Thank you to our wonderful family, friends, and co-workers who joined us for the evening, laughed with us, laughed at us, flew across North America to be there, took pictures, dealt cards, jumped in out of the blue and ensured the 50/50s were a success, prepared food, tended bar, organized the evening, and/or contributed in someway shape and/or form to the event. It was a wonderful experience that Brandon and I will remember for the rest of our lives. We love you all and you have each contributed to making a special night and our wedding that much more meaningful… and of course introducing to the world for the first time ever: THE MEATBALL BLOW JOB!

PS... I would like to say a special thank you to Tamara Kaye of Instyle Weddings and Decor who decorated the hall for us - she did a beautiful job in sage and ivory and to be honest it made the whole event look beautiful!  Thank you Tamara - as per usual you are wonderful.

Are you kidding me? The shoes arrived...

Yikes! The last few weeks have been busy; what with Jack and Jills, shoes arriving, dress fittings, photographers to meet, wedding cake to prepare, rehearsal dinners to be double booked, and colds to nurse (never mind a little thing called work!); time has been zipping by. However, in my usual fashion I am going to start at the beginning and describe what happened with my wedding shoes (I can’t work out of chronological order).

Now when we last left off (our adventurous crew was stranded on the island and the Skipper and Ginger and just come up with idea number 456 to get them rescued – open a Rogers store and sell iPhones (people will come apparently - you were right Shoeless Joe Jackson))... okay sorry got distracted, let me try again...

Now when we last left off, I was eagerly awaiting the arrival of two things, the first being my dear friend from Alabama (Mary), and the second being my wedding shoes. Both were scheduled to arrive together on July 14th. In a surprising turn of events the first “item” (Mary) managed to arrive in the country without being tied up in customs for three decades, the plane filling with smoke, or nearly inciting an international incident (love you Mary!). Granted she did get stranded on the tarmac and it took a little while for her to meet up with my parents, but eventually she did, so all and all a successful flight. Plus her arrival kicked off the start of "Jack and Jill" week! However, today's post is going to focus on the arrival of my beautiful wedding shoes... so I am going to try not get distracted by fun topics like how great the Jack and Jill for Brandon and I was...

Focus Marie! Shoes!

While I am not like Cinderella and have a fetish for glass slippers I was looking for something comfortable that would allow me to dance (and walk!) into the wee hours of the morning without my feet turning into pumpkins (could you imagine?), hence my search and discovery of a great pair of shoes from Zappos. I had them shipped to Mary and she delivered them to my excited hands. Therefore when I returned from work and once hugs (etc...) were exchanged the shoe box was immediately presented and I opened the lid to discover a pair of shoes that were FANTASTIC... I was thrilled! They were exactly what I had ordered and exactly what I had wanted. However, like all best laid plans… as I was turning them over and examining them, I proceeded to remove the stuffing filling the shoe and looked inside, and what to my wondering eyes should appear but a worn-out heel and five black toe prints. Ummm... did I order used shoes?

My shoes looked brand new on the outside, but on the inside looked like they had been through a battle zone... aka another bride's wedding... hmpf (what is it they say about inner beauty?). I pointed the DARK BLACK DIRTY toe prints out to my crew of onlookers (man how these people put up with me is another topic) and they too looked on with shock. Considering I paid full price for NEW shoes one would assume that is what I would receive – silly me! 

Blah! So typical... I am beginning to think that my life is a little like a 1/2 hour sitcom (with the occasional insertion of hour long drama to mix things up). Hence the title for this blog: Off Kilter.

The weird thing about the shoes was that the bottom of the shoe looked brand new, however I have since been informed by my former model friend Elizabeth that a trick of the fashion industry is to put duck tape on the bottom of the shoe to protect it and ensure it keeps a sparkly new look... grief.

Therefore I had to call and ask Zappos "what the heck?". I did manage to get someone that only somewhat sounded frustrated with my call and after MUCH discussion and debate the value of the shoes is being refunded (Mary had to mail them back when she returned to Alabama - Mary have I mentioned how great you are?) and I am getting a credit, which is great as I am Scottish (READ: Cheap). I have been sworn to up and down, and from every other direction that the "great shoe-tastrophe" will not happen again and that the next pair I receive will be brand new... we'll see... I am now REALLY anxious about the situation, however time is a ticking, the shoes were bang on (minus the toe prints…), and what else do I have to loose? (oh right, personal hygiene if the shoes are used again when I receive the next pair, hmpf!).

So that is where I am on the shoe front... I will keep everyone posted, but at this stage I am thinking of cobbling my own pair; it might just be easier! 50 days everyone! GULP!

"Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night"... delayed my veil arriving!

WOW - My veil arrived yesterday! Is anyone else impressed? Frankly I was shocked, I figured it would take at least two weeks for it to arrive, but low and behold when I arrived home yesterday there it was, ta da!

It was such a nerve wracking moment... yes, yes, yes, I know, opening a box with a veil inside probably doesn't even make the top 1000 stressful moments in one's life, but I have to say I was quite anxious about the whole online ordering process, as ordering from the website required me to put my trust into an unknown entity... and, as I am sure you can tell from reading the blog, things don't always go 100% smoothly when I am involved. Therefore, the actual purchasing of the veil online was concerning (to say the least).

That is why when I returned home to greet the brown shipping box on the counter all I could do was hold my breath and hope! I opened it slowly and was greeted by millions and millions of Styrofoam packing pieces. I had to laugh as they were coloured pink... once I dug down through the Styrofoam I encountered reams and reams of bright pink tissue paper (apparently pink was the colour of the day!)... then, finally, I reached my veil, so neatly folded in a plastic bag - it looked so small! I held my breath pulled the veil out of the bag and voila! It was beautiful!

I immediately had to fashion it off for my mom and dad (who were waiting with baited breath - due to fear of my reaction, not excitement - LOL) and everyone was thrilled (or at least they pretended they were).

The tiara was also contained in the same shipping box and it too was EXACTLY what I was hoping for. The whole experience was like opening a present (that I paid for, cough, cough) and really made me feel excited and forced me to sit back and think yikes the wedding is just around the corner!

On the shoe front...

My shoes arrived in Birmingham yesterday! Again I am impressed with the postal delivery service! To my understanding my shoes are currently heading to the airport with the one, the only Mary Luck (Mary is flying north of the 49th Parallel to attend our Jack and Jill - Friday, July 16). I am still a little anxious about the shoe situation, but after the success of the veil/tiara am feeling much more reassured about the end product.

Therefore... I am almost done! My shoes will arrive today at approximately 1430 hrs (EST) and will be in my arms.... errr... on my feet shortly thereafter. The next stop is to start the dress alterations tomorrow and from there I guess it will be all down hill - or up hill (which sounds more positive???).

Invitations...

I haven't really spoken that much about invitations as seriously I have been trying to block out the whole invitation experience. Not that I didn't love putting them together with my four fabulous Unit members, and of course my awesome Mom, but it was a little how you say WORK INTENSIVE (LOL)! Seriously I loved the whole process of putting something together for my friends and family, but the cutting of the glue squares in half in order to get them to stick on the ribbon and then having to do it all over again because it still wasn't sticking on the ribbon (among other obstacles, i.e. tracking down addresses!), demonstrated to me the value of e-mail invitations... just think, you save a tree, a stamp, and most importantly your sanity!

However, to be honest... I don't think an e-vite would have given me the same joy I felt when I looked at my final product and thought - wow! I am thrilled with how they turned out (hunter green with MacGregor ribbon, and a Celtic knot) with my very favourite part of the invitation however was the inclusion of a Scottish Gaelic phrase at the top - "Mo Ghradh Bithbhuan" (My Love Forever).

I also love receiving the RSVPs back, especially the ones with a little message to Brandon and I written on them – it excites me to no end and I read them over and over.

Wrapping Up...

The wedding is almost here and things are coming together... I think this weekend's Jack and Jill will really make that feeling come that much more alive. If anyone is interested in tickets, $10 each, please contact my sister at - meganwjc@hotmail.com, or buy them at the door.

Thanks for reading y’all (practicing for Mary to get here from Alabama)... I think the best is yet to come!

(PS I still have to fill everyone in on our big move on Sunday... for now I will say that we made it AND that Brandon loved driving the truck; I guess boys will be boys!).

Jack and Jill... July 16, 2010

My wedding party is amazing... have I mentioned that?  They absolutely have gone above and beyond the call of duty to ensure that Brandon and I have the best day possible.  In addition to helping and supporting us on our big day they are throwing us what I imagine can best be described as the most amazing, fantastic, incredible, stupendous, exciting, joyous, fun-filled Jack and Jill... EVER!  The big night is set for July 16 at 8pm in Oshawa.  The main details are a secret from Brandon and I, but I can say if you are interested please e-mail my awesome sister (Megan) at meganwjc@hotmail.com. 

Brandon and I are both 100% committed to doing anything and everything people ask in order to provide a highly entertaining evening for everyone that attends... (if that means ending up covered in pie, syrup, beer, we're good with it!).  We are in this for fun (off kilter or not) and we really want a whole gang of our friends, family (heck strangers!) to come and enjoy the night. 

My lovely Unit!  Thanks Ladies for all your work!

Now apparently not everyone knows what a Jack and Jill is so for those who are still learning I shall now provide a quick explanation:

If you Wikipedia "Jack and Jill" (also called "stag and doe") you will see that this is by and large a tradition primarily based out of Canada and the United Kingdom - but is especially popular in Southern Ontario.  Basically the purpose is to raise money for the engaged couple (can I say yeah!?!).  The fundraising is done via ticket sales, a cash bar, and/or games played that put the happy couple in hilarious positions.  For more information please visit: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stag_and_doe.  

See I told you it was a little "off kilter"

Brandon with a few of his fantastic grooms"people"

PS The door prize for the evening is a Toronto Harbour Front Cruise Dinner for 2 (valued at $270!) - you don't even have to attend, just buy a ticket... see I told you the wedding party is amazing!